The Hillbilly Viking

In the 1950’s, our planet’s superpowers were locked in a resource-inhaling, space race. The communists scored early points with their canine killing, Sputnik program, but our own hometown capitalists claimed ultimate victory by landing a man on the moon to play a billion dollar hole of golf.

During that same time frame, the Finns were preparing to host their first olympic games and decided they needed a national, alcoholic drink that was both delicious and easy to serve for the millions of expected sports fans poised to descend upon their fare country. With the single-minded determination (sisu) of a moon shot, government resources were funneled toward Alko, the state liquor control board, and in conjunction with private industry, project “Shit-Faced” was initially launched (Ok, I made up that name, but the rest is absolutely true).

Anywho, a delicious, canned, carbonated, gin-grapefruit cocktail ultimately emerged from the Finnish labs just in time for the opening ceremonies, and it was a hit. 

Personally, I don’t feel like I’ve benefited much from the billions spent by the lunar ambitions of ideologically opposed superpowers, as I suck at golf, and I generally don’t kill dogs. But having a delicious new option to day drink while watching sports…well, there’s a government initiative even more valuable to me than free cheese. And I love cheese. 

So, now which one of you MAGA-lickers wants to tell me socialism doesn’t work?

The long drink is sold in cans everywhere here, and most bars even have it on tap. A version was introduced in the states about five years ago, so if you haven’t tried it, you have no excuse. In Helsinki, Hartwell, the original producer of the Long Drink just came out with an orange flavored version. Of course, I tried it. 

Coincidentally, it tastes a bit like Tang.