The Hillbilly Viking

I realize that not everyone of my readers is a seasoned, world-savvy, international polyglot like me (you know, the guy who thought Estonia was a late-model Hyundai less than twelve months ago), so I thought you might benefit from a little, hard-earned Azorean trivia to round out your knowledge base.

Lesson 1: The Azorean Islands are actually the nine, above-water tips of some of the largest, volcanic mountains on the planet as measured from the Atlantic floor. If Mt. Everest were placed next to the Azores right now, I would be able to easily see its summit from my hotel balcony. Incidentally, a lot of yaks and sherpas would needlessly drown just for the sake of a thought experiment, and that just seems ironically counter to the tenets of the Buddhist religion practiced throughout the Himalayas, but I digress.

Lesson 2: The Azores are a self-governing, autonomous region of Portugal, similar to the Mar-a-Lago Club in Florida.

Lesson 3: To help you visualize what it is like, Sao Miguel, the largest island in the Azores, is what would happen if Hawaii knocked up Iceland, but then left Iceland to raise their unplanned lovechild on her own. So, it’s basically a European, volcanic island, but eventually someone is going to have to explain its weird pineapples to the little fella.’

Lesson 4: Azoreans speak so much faster than their fellow countrymen on mainland Portugal that they often have trouble understanding one another. If you’ve ever moved from Metro Detroit to, say, Dunlap, Tennessee, this is not a particularly surprising phenomenon to you.

Lesson 5: Azoreans believe in orthodontics and have beautiful, straight white teeth. If you’ve ever lived in, say, Dunlap, Tennessee, this may very well be a particularly surprising phenomenon to you.

Lesson 6: Hotdogs are canned here and sold in jars of eight. Yes, it’s weird, but since it’s the first time I have ever known hotdogs to be sold in the same quantity as a pack of buns, I’ll allow it.

Lesson 7: As a child in the 1970’s, I used to be able to buy cigarettes from a vending machine for my father. For obvious reasons, that point of purchase option was outlawed. If you’ve ever wondered how cigarette vending machine technology would have evolved in an alternate timeline, the Azores is for you!

Lesson 8: The beaches of Sao Miquel are craggy, severe affairs with coarse, dark volcanic sand like in a Chris Isaak video. And with the outrageous wind this time of year, you can only tolerate about 4 minutes of exposure, again, like a Chris Isaak video.