The Hillbilly Viking

This one’s for you, Amy. It’s long, so that’s your fault too.

Leaving your country for the unknown with little more than a taste for seafood and a tourist’s grasp of the language is an admittedly radical step at this stage of life, but it’s not something we’re doing in haste. Some of you know that we were contemplating an overseas retirement long before our voices and morals stopped being even remotely represented by our political “leadership.” As a matter of fact, had it not been for Covid, we would probably already be emailing you my annual, holiday letter from someplace like Costa Rica or Italy. If you really know anything about me, you know that despite the outward flippancy, I am not rash and tend to “tend to” the details.

We are not expecting a perfect transition. It’s simply too upending. But after going through risk/reward analysis ad infinitum, the decision makes itself.

Prós

First, quality of life! This is so far up the list that you have to squint to look down and see number two. It’s more than just Iberian sunsets and sulphite free wine, though. The pace, the environment, and the quality of the social net indoctrinates locals from the day they are born and yields a culture that isn’t cultishly hyper-fixated on schedule, efficiency, or the accumulation of more for the sake of more. If you’ve been outside of the US (beyond the Señor Frogs in the shadow of the cruise ship, that is), you’ve experienced this, but it is still truly difficult to wrap your head around as a lifestyle. Europeans say that “Americans live to work, while Europeans work to live.” Yep. I’m guilty of that. We get indoctrinated too.

Next, the people. The Portuguese are simply some of the nicest, most approachable human beings in my otherwise small sampling of the world’s population. This is not a doe-eyed, “them” bias, as I’ve already acknowledged that dickheads abound in every culture, but we have never been to a place where we have made so many immediate and lasting connections with so many people so quickly. Patty’s Whatsapp currently tenders more ongoing conversations with Portuguese than anyone else. Aside from an odd Uber driver, it is virtually free of Finns, French, Americans, Irishmen, or Italians. That says something.

Cost of living. In short, yes, it is mostly cheaper here, but that is somewhat arguable, and the fear of dying poor in America isn’t a motivation really affecting us. We are comfortable without being anywhere near One Percenters. We have money in the bank, no leases, loans, or mortgages, and a refrigerator weirdly stocked with overpriced, condiments from Trader Joe’s. It’s what we will continue to spend our money on in the states that pisses me off…

…INSURANCE!

Health Insurance: Don’t get me started, but suffice it to say, quality care here is a fraction in comparison. Homeowners Insurance: Nope. Tired of subsidizing pools of Americans building mostly empty McMansions in risk-prone areas. We’ll be renters moving forward. Auto Insurance: Again, nope. The thought of never owning/fueling/maintaining/insuring a car again is not for everyone, but it is borderline orgasmic for me.

…FOOD!

Since living in Florida, our diet has consisted primarily of seafood and alcohol. Here, seafood is abundant and cheap. Beer/wine is cheaper, sold everywhere and chemical free. In Dunlap, Tennessee, seafood is Fillet O Fish, and the town was dry until 2009. Different mindset.

…TRAVEL!

Our biggest discretionary outlay is travel. Air travel within the US is ridiculous and international is more so. Thanks to impulsive warmongering, it will get worse. From Dunlap, it’s about three grand just to get to our first duty-free Toblerone bar. Living in a vacation destination automatically strikes that budget line item, and travel within Europe and to Africa and the Middle East is ridiculously cheap, to boot. Affordable, future travel opportunity is important to us.

Finally, the many opportunities for personal growth in retirement. Granted, that is not location specific, but I’ve watched friends and family fall into a comfortable if not stimulating routine, post career. We’re not interested in snow-birding, The Weather Channel, pickle ball, or selecting a new Medicare Plus plan every year. Comfortable routines are difficult to maintain when you remove yourself from your comfort zone. Intellectual opportunities to learn new languages and histories will hopefully keep our brains from contracting into puddles of mush susceptible to dementia and Fox News.

Contras

First, isolation. Although we have endeavored to learn Portuguese from afar and total immersion will speed the process, communicating is still very exhausting. It will be tempting to give up and just go about our day-to-day in relative solitude. That’s not how social animals thrive, even marginally social ones like me.

Friends and Family. We will obviously miss a literal lifetime collection of relationships. However, from our spot in the US, we honestly don’t see too many people anyway, and technology offers some mitigating solutions. Furthermore, without children, we are naturally immune from the number one reason ex-pats return within the first three years. Also, believe it or not, it’s not impossible for friends and family to visit us here (hint, hint).

Stress. Change is good. It’s growth. Wholesale change is also stressful, however. Not being able to read a menu is annoying. Not being able to comprehend a lease or a newspaper is dangerous. We are well aware that the hundreds of constant aggravations of being a stranger in a strange land can result in a metaphorical death by a thousand cuts, so we will be working hard to mitigate and manage our reactions. Namaste-maxxing, as it were.

Well, there’s my thesis. I’ll nail it to the front door of the American consulate before we hop on a plane in a few days, and maybe it will start a revolution. Most likely, I’ll just get a ticket for littering, and the misdemeanor will queer my visa application.

There’s supposed to be a video here. View the website version if you are interested.